FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches
FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have order Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.
England
Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches
David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.
England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”
England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.
OfQual Outline Plans To Replace GCSEs With Hunger Games
Michael Gove says GCSEs will be “more challenging” after a radical shake-up will see the current system replaced with a nationwide televised battle to the death.
English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966
The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.
Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer
The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.
Attack Submarine Recalled After Targeting George Osborne As National Threat
The Royal Navy’s £1.2 billion attack submarine has been recalled after mistakenly targeted George Osborne as a threat to the nation following his Autumn Statement.
Terry Retires From International Team To Spend More Time Philandering
John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.
Liverpool Sign Samsung Fridge Freezer As Andy Carroll Replacement
In a decisive move to prove cover in attack following the departure of Andy Carroll, Liverpool have bought a Samsung model fridge freezer from Currys.
Watching Slow Plodding England Caused Lonesome George’s Death Say Scientists
Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.