Donald Trump To Start Trade War Over Foreign Vibranium
UNITED STATES – In a major escalation of his aggressive trade rhetoric, Donald Trump has announced he plans to impose punishing tariffs on all imported vibranium.
Africa
Arsene Wenger: “Mugabe Should Have Got More Time”
EMIRATES, LONDON – Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger is reported to be “very surprised indeed” to see Robert Mugabe willingly resign from his role as dictator.
Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK
Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.
A Response Letter From Joseph Kony
The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony.
Internet Users Frustrated Joseph Kony Still Free After Week of Tweeting
Following an entire week of tweeting, internet users have reportedly become frustrated that Joseph Kony has not been captured, branding the situation as “lame”.
Ohio Officials Thank Libyan Rebels For Putting Down Libyan Mad Dog
An Ohio sheriff said has issued his “sincerest thanks” to Libya’s National Transitional Council for putting down the last of the wild animals to escape from a private zoo.
Ashton Kutcher ‘To Replace Colonel Gaddafi In Libya’
Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.
Africa To Send Peacekeeping Force To England
The African Union has confirmed it will send peacekeeping troops to ensure “these mindless savages” did not descend again into violence.
UK Warn Hosepipe Ban Across Ethiopia ‘Imminent’
The UK government warn that a “country-wide” hosepipe ban could be enforced across parts of East Africa in the face of the region’s worst drought for decades.
IMF Chief Drops Soap, Receives Ironic Treatment In Jail
Dominique Strauss-Khan is said to be finding the level of irony in his treatment in jail difficult to take after reports of being “bent over and fu-ked” while on remand.