Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK
Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.
UK
Two Little Pigs “Devastated” After Strong Winds Destroy Homes
Two of the three little pigs have been left to pick up the pieces after gale force winds left their homes in ruins.
Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition
A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.
Npower To Honour Nelson Mandela By Increasing Prices Another 2.7%
Energy supplier Npower has announced it will raise its energy prices a further 2.7% to mark the memory of Nelson Mandela’s time in prison.
David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race
Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.
Giant Pandas To Raise Funds For Endangered High Street Shops
The world’s population of Giant Pandas have gathered to raise funds in a last-ditch bid to save the endangered high street retailer.
Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair
The definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.
Cartels Reject “Dergatory” Comparison To Energy Companies
Mexican drug lords have unanimously voiced their outrage at comparisons made between cartels and British Energy supplies.
Djemba-Djemba “Shocked” Not To Be Belittled In Ferguson Book
Former Manchester United player Eric Djemba-Djemba is said to have been left “shocked” not to be slammed in Sir Alex Ferguson’s new autobiography.
OfQual Outline Plans To Replace GCSEs With Hunger Games
Michael Gove says GCSEs will be “more challenging” after a radical shake-up will see the current system replaced with a nationwide televised battle to the death.