Terry Retires From International Team To Spend More Time Philandering
John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.
Not USA
Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan
A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.
Liverpool Sign Samsung Fridge Freezer As Andy Carroll Replacement
In a decisive move to prove cover in attack following the departure of Andy Carroll, Liverpool have bought a Samsung model fridge freezer from Currys.
Olympics Inspire Nation to Walk Instead of Drive to McDonald’s
After two weeks of watching athleticism of the highest order, millions of Olympic enthusiasts have been inspired to walk to their nearest McDonald’s instead of driving.
Failing A-Level Students Happy To Avoid £9000 Tuition Fees
Thousands of below average students are said to be “ecstatic” to have avoided paying £9000 in tuition fees by receiving D grades and below.
Bank of England Use Fifa Ranking Formula to Show Economy Growing at 98%
The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.
Emergency Troops To Fill Empty Spaces on London Underground
The British government has confirmed it will look into reports of empty seats on the London Underground which has left locals without a convenient excuse to arrive late to work.
Conservatives Charged With Keeping Liberal Democrats in Servitude
Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.
Response Letter From John Terry: “How Can I Be A Racist?”
The following is a letter sent by John Terry in the wake of being found not guilty of a racially aggravated public order offence.
O2 Users Forced To Speak To Each Other After Mobile Phone Outage
Millions of O2 phone owners have been forced to hold conversations in person after a mobile phone blackout this week.