Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List
The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.
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David Cameron Calls For Leveson To Add “Slap on the Wrist” Clause To Report
David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.
Attack Submarine Recalled After Targeting George Osborne As National Threat
The Royal Navy’s £1.2 billion attack submarine has been recalled after mistakenly targeted George Osborne as a threat to the nation following his Autumn Statement.
Benitez Gains Support of Fans After Sleeping With Wayne Bridge’s Missus
Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.
UN Inspectors: North Korea May Be Developing Food Technology
The UN Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”
Rafael Benitez Signs Rolling Minute to Minute Contract At Chelsea
Chelsea have appointed Rafael Benitez as their new manager on a rolling minute to minute contract.
Chelsea Eye Mark Clattenburg As Future Club Captain After Racist Remarks
Following allegations of racist comments towards a player, Chelsea insiders suggest the club are “definitely interested” in making Mark Clattenburg a future club captain.
Oldest Undeciphered Text “May Be First Ever Terms of Service Agreement”
Researchers have indicated that the world’s oldest undeciphered text could be the first recorded instance of a Term of Service agreement.
Jimmy Savile Charity to Change Name to “Jack the Ripper Trust”
The Jimmy Savile Charitable Trust has looked to avoid controversy by changing its name to the “Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust”.
EU Demand Greece Eat Pig Anus to Secure Next Installment of Bailout
In a move to toughen financial regulations, Eurozone finance ministers have demanded Greece eat pig anus in order to secure future bailout payments.