David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race
Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.
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Giant Pandas To Raise Funds For Endangered High Street Shops
The world’s population of Giant Pandas have gathered to raise funds in a last-ditch bid to save the endangered high street retailer.
Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder
After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will only use regular methods of killing its own people in future.
Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair
The definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.
Cartels Reject “Dergatory” Comparison To Energy Companies
Mexican drug lords have unanimously voiced their outrage at comparisons made between cartels and British Energy supplies.
Djemba-Djemba “Shocked” Not To Be Belittled In Ferguson Book
Former Manchester United player Eric Djemba-Djemba is said to have been left “shocked” not to be slammed in Sir Alex Ferguson’s new autobiography.
OfQual Outline Plans To Replace GCSEs With Hunger Games
Michael Gove says GCSEs will be “more challenging” after a radical shake-up will see the current system replaced with a nationwide televised battle to the death.
Home Office To Inundate Illegal Immigrants with PPI Calls
The Home Office have begun plans to force illegal immigrants out of the country by inundating them with irrelevant calls about mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance.
Under 21 Squad “Ready For First Team Failure” Says Pearce
After three straight defeats at the European Championships, Stuart Pearce has backed his young squad for abject failure at full international level.
PRISM Program Forces Al-Qaeda into Mass Redundancies
al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.