Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder
After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will only use regular methods of killing its own people in future.
Middle East
PRISM Program Forces Al-Qaeda into Mass Redundancies
al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.
UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed
The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.
United States: Iran “Leading The Race” To Host World War III
U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.
Jason Calls On Syrian Government To “Show Some Restraint”
Professional killer Jason Voorhees has blasted the Syrian regime for taking their killing spree “way too far.”
UN Peace Plan Calls For Assad To Be Given Nick Clegg’s Job
Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by giving him Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.
Syrian President: The Villas-Boas Reign Is Now Untenable
Bashar al Assad has launched a scathing attack on Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas, calling for a swift end to his managerial reign before any more damage is done to the club.
US Punishes ‘Naughty’ Pakistan, Cuts off Allowance Money
The United States confirmed it has cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’ warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month.
GQ Editor Seeks Gaddafi Arrest Warrant For Fashion Crimes
The chief editor of GQ Magazine has requested an arrest warrant for Libyan leader Moammar Gaddafi, saying there is ample evidence he has committed numerous crimes against fashion.
“We Can Build Extra Planes From Lego” Says Cameron
British forces are scrambling to construct a number of fighter jets, submarines and ammunition from Lego to supplement it’s military after recent budget cuts.