LONDON, UK – British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has reminded the nation that the “oven ready” Brexit trade deal he promised was always meant to be a microwave oven ready deal.
The clarification comes on the day he finally negotiated a deal on the eve of the country’s exit from the European Union with all the energy of a hastily radiated boxed dinner.
“The microwave oven is an amazing piece of technology and everyone with one in their homes will understand what it took to put this deal together,” said Mr Johnson.
Just in time deal
At a press conference held at a Tesco Extra, Boris Johnson said: “We have taken back control, unwrapped layers of bureaucracy, shut the door on the EU and pressed quick cook on a new phase of British sovereignty” with the new deal that represented all the best elements of last minute dinner preparations.
“Yes we had to extend the heating time for an additional 30 weeks or so, but sometimes the instructions on the back of the box aren’t always the most accurate.”
The prime minister said the deal would now be served to Parliament piping hot on the outside but still weirdly undercooked in the middle on December 30th.
With the deal coming just in time to avoid the catastrophic consequences of a no deal Brexit, several political insiders deduced the PM had been referring to the microwave when making claims of an easy “oven ready” trade deal earlier in the year.
“Let’s be honest,” said the Prime Minister speaking from the frozen dinner aisle. “Do I look like the kind of man who would slave over a real oven? Of course I always meant a microwave oven!”
Mr Johnson asserted that the microwave Brexit deal represented the future of the country’s destiny political and economical destinay, as well as the best of microwave meals in that the final product looks substantially worse than the picture on the box that sold you on the meal in the first place.
“And just like the best microwave meals we are eating this one alone for some reason we don’t wuite understand,” he added.
Labour leader Keir Starmer confirmed his party would back the Brexit deal even though he himself is not a fan of microwave meals. But with no time left to negotiate, the only choice was between no deal and “piercing some holes in the top and bunging it in the oven on high for a few minutes.
‘I didn’t say what kind of oven’
Since Mr Johnson has explained he was always referring to microwave oven ready deal, many in the UK have come around a backed the hastily concluded negotiations despite them coming out a little bit sloppier than expected and lacking all the flavours promised on the packaging.
“I mean we’ve all been there right,” said recent divorcee Gareth Brooks from Middlesborough. “You promise the world then realise that you actually know nowt in the kitchen and those blooming YouTube videos are so bleeding hard to follow and who has any those fancy utensils in their flipping’ kitchen and crikey there’s no way you can make something to satisfy all the damn kids who believed you when you said daddy has dinner under control and you know they’re going to tell their mother if you cock this up again and what the f**k is a shallot anyway?!”
“So I completely get where Boris is coming from. There nothing wrong with a good microwave Brexit deal and we all need to get behind the man and give this a chance Sharon!”
European Commission President, Ursula von der Leyen praised the efforts of all involved in the historic deal but was forced to admit she did not realise that microwaves were so popular in the UK.
“Where I come from we enjoy the process of cooking together a family with fresh ingredients brought together with care and attention. But if the British people are able to stomach this then so be it…I just don’t get it though.”
“Maybe for a snack of leftovers, but not for such an important deal as this.”
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