LONDON, UK – Jeremy Corbyn revealed he has obtained official documents that show Christmas will be up for sale in a Conservative post-Brexit trade deal.
In an explosive festive news conference, the Labour leader said the uncensored papers leaves Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s claim that Christmas would not be part of any future trade deal in shreds. According to Mr Corbyn, the papers even show preliminary discussions around access to the naughty and nice lists.
It’s thought that the US wants “total yuletide access” after the UK leaves the EU.
‘Tis the season for the taking
Standing by a roasting fireplace, Mr Corbyn held up the 451-page unredacted dossier which he said was left in his stocking late Christmas Eve. He declared “we now have evidence that under Boris Johnson’s government, Christmas will be on the table alongside all those awful trimmings that no one eats.”
“Boris tried to cover it up like some kind of secret Santa, and in the end was left exposed on like a Christmas gift with zero thought put behind it.”
The documents are understood to cover six rounds of talks during the 12 days of Christmas that have taken place between Washington, London and Santa’s Workshop.
In response, the Tories have cried “humbug” and accused Labour of being “real Scrooges” by using the documents to divert attention from the fact that the shadow government left their Christmas shopping until the last minute, leaving many of their Jewish party members without presents.
Santa Claus has also issued a statement denouncing Jeremy Corbyn for weaving such an “elaborate fantasy”. He claimed to be unaware of any deal with the Conservative party and assured the public the fundamental spirit of Christmas would remain intact beyond the Brexit transition period, adding: “Ho ho hooo, what a load of rubbish! Christmas will be for sale. Not one sleigh bell.”
Crimbo for cash
But Mr Corbyn has remained adamant. Backed by a choir of carol singers, he went on to outline the damage that could be done to the Christmas period under the Prime Minister.
On pricing for presents, Mr Corbyn said discussions had already taken been concluded which “can only mean one thing: more expensive presents that will push more and more gift-givers to compromise and buy cheaper Lynx Africa box sets for their significant others. Lives will be put at risk as a result of this.”
He used the example of Frankincense used to honour the birth of baby Jesus. “It costs 12,000 drachmas for a packet of good quality Frankincense. In the US, the same packet costs 30,000 drachmas. It doesn’t take three wise men to know that’s a bad deal.”
“And don’t get me started on Myrrh. Under a Johnson government, the stocking stuffer market will be rigged for big gifting companies.”
Mr Corbyn refused to acknowledge the mistletoe over himself and shadow Brexit Secretary Keir Starmer. Instead he launched into a merry tirade, claiming the nation was in a fight for the survival of the Christmas spirit, “including milk and cookies, candy canes and all else we hold dear.”
He ended his press conference with a dire warning, suggesting the country is heading for “runaway privatisation” of the festive season. He called on the nation to “imagine the horrors of extended waiting lines in the lead up to Christmas Day to buy increasingly expensive gifts for people we don’t really like because of the desire of commercial interests wish to squeeze more and more profit from the season to the continued detriment of its true meaning.”
“I for one wouldn’t want to live in such a world.”
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