UNITED STATES – The nation’s leading evangelicals have moved to remind people marriage is between a man, his third wife woman and porn star.
The public statement comes as Donald Trump spent International Women’s Day being sued by Stormy Daniels, a porn star he paid to quiet about an affair the two allegedly had after his wife had given birth.
“To put it simply,” one pastor said, “marriage is between a man, that man’s wife and whoever else he lays his eyes on when his wife isn’t looking.”
“This is normal”
Evangelicals have come under fire after the president’s latest transgression was made public. People with eyes and ears are reportedly confused to see the party of family values standing by Mr Trump during his efforts to dealings with the star of Finally Legal 7.
However, televangelist Joel Osteen blasted the “fake news media” for questioning the moral foundation of Donald Trump, reminding those casting stones that he was “pretty sure” there’s nothing in the Bible that explicitly stated a married man can’t get with an adult film star then have his lawyer pay the porn star $130,000 to remain silent.
“I certainly don’t remember anything like that so who are we to judge?”
Speaking shortly after clearing his browser history, speaker of the House Paul Ryan also reiterated his support for Donald Trump as a “shining example of moral leadership”.
“This is a God-fearing man who remains steadfastly committed to the institution of marriage, and has shown that commitment not once, but three times now.”
“This is perfectly normal,” said Ryan with a straight face.
Moral compass
Mr Osteen called on his followers to pray the unwarranted pressure does restrict Mr Trump’s ability to see other porn stars when Melania is with the kids in future.
“What a man does in his own home is his business. And when that business spills out of a non-disclosure agreement into the papers, we should close our eyes and pretend we can’t see it.”
Mr Ryan insisted he could not understand the commotion: “Yes he cheated on his third wife with a porn star, and yes he cheated on his first wife with his second wife, and yes he has at least 19 sexual assault allegations against him, and yes he bragged about grabbing women by the genitals without consent…but no one is perfect. ”
“It’s not like he laid with another dude. That would be an abhorrent corruption of morality.”
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