UNITED KINGDOM – Several MPs have reported waking to empty stockings and nothing under their trees, despite a sustained campaign of wishing for a Brexit deal this Christmas.
Politicians across the country remain in a state of shock, with disappointment hitting members of parliament who believed they were on Santa’s nice list this year.
However, while the majority were left empty-handed, a number of MPs did receive blue passports instead of the right for their constituents to live and work in Europe.
No Christmas miracle
With Christmas dinner approaching, many remain “utterly flabbergasted” over Santa’s failure to deliver a way out of the European Union that reduced immigration, left benefits of the single market intact, all without a hard border across Ireland.
“I…I just don’t understand. I was good. I was good every day,” insisted Brexit Secretary David Davis, still shaken from the sight of emptiness under his tree where a Brexit solution should have been.
Immigration Minister Brandon Lewis is one of many politicians to send handwritten letters to Santa as early as July, when the jolly white-bearded man from the North Pole became a credible option to deliver the Brexit that was promised.
Brexit campaigner Michael Gove recalls writing his letter to Santa Claus “in my finest crayon”. In his letter, he asked Santa to put Brexit into his sack, deliver it to his home via eight flying reindeer, manoeuvre it down his chimney, and leave it under the Christmas tree without waking anyone in the house.
“My request was as clear as my negotiating tactics. I’m very disappointed in Santa.”
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage is said to have gone into a “flying rage” at the sight of an empty stocking. He is understood to have personally visited Santa in the Westwood Cross Shopping Centre to ask for Brexit and feels betrayed it was not delivered.
“I waited in line to sit on his lap and demand he bring me Brexit for Christmas. He looked me in the eye and said: ‘Ho ho ho anything you want little boy’…I guess that’s just Santa speak for not a bloody thing!”
Unrealistic demands
Inside Santa’s Workshop, elves hit back at the “unrealistic demands” placed on them in a short space of time.
“Get real! We wouldn’t be able to get Brexit in 2019 let alone this year,” said one elf who wished to remain anonymous. “We make all sorts of unrealistic fanciful sh*t around this time of year. But you have to draw the line somewhere man, we’re not miracle workers.”
“So we threw some blue passports and socks in the sack and called it a day.”
Santa Claus fiercely defended his Christmas deliveries, suggesting he had nothing to apologise over with swirling criticism he had delivered failure this Christmas.
“What did they expect when they asked for a deal to exit an already convenient economic union while keeping all the best parts and none of the drawbacks.”
“I gave them exactly what they asked for.”
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