WASHINGTON DC – Scientists in the country’s top medical institutes are said to be collectively mystified by Paul Ryan’s ability to walk without a spine.
The Speaker of the House of Representatives has reportedly been “walking, talking and event attending the gym” for months despite losing his spine in a calamity political incident in 2016.
“We don’t know where his spine is. By all rights this man should be dead,” said one leading orthopedic doctor.
The head bone connected to the…?
Paul Ryan’s condition sparked confused debate within medical circles. Many experts say they have never seen a member of congress survive without a critical part of the body since Richard Nixon survived much of the 1970s without a conscience.
Despite the news, witnesses in Congress confirm Ryan has been going about his normal duties. “It’s as if he hasn’t realised his spine is missing, but it’s definitely not there,” suggested one Congressional aide.
First reports of Ryan’s condition surfaced in November when he appeared unable to criticise Donald Trump once he realised the former reality star and current alternative reality resident would become the 45th president of the United States.
“Our top orthopedic team has worked tirelessly to discover exactly how Mr Ryan lost his backbone,” said Nathan Franklin M.D. of the Johns Hopkins Neurosurgical Spine Center.
“We’ve studied footage as recent a November 7th when Mr Ryan clearly demonstrates full spinal capability…but from November 8th onwards it just seems to disappear as we see in his complete inability to stand up to Donald Trump.”
“It’s not clear whether a medical procedure occurred, but whoever performed the operation took it cleanly out without upsetting any vital organs or the patient requiring recovery. It’s extremely impressive work.”
Medical mystery
It has sparked fears of disease spreading throughout the Republican party with reports suggesting White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus is suffering from Sudden Loss of Balls Syndrome.
The phenomenon has baffled institutions from medical school to kindergartens across the country with teachers now unsure of what is true in human anatomy.
“For years we’ve been telling our kids that the head bone is connected to the backbone…but Paul Ryan doesn’t have one.”
“How do you explain that to a 5-year-old?!”
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