WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.
The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”
Techniques employed by the CIA were said to amount to the most brutal form of torture since Twentieth Century Fox released Jingle All The Way to the general public.
Seasons beatings
According to the report, Santa was removed from his North Pole workshop against his will and taken into custody in Syria as several high-ranking US officials “really really” wanted to know what they were getting for Christmas that year.
Known internally as Festive Rendition, Detention and Merry Interrogation – the programme took place in 2006. This during the presidency of George W Bush, who knew he was getting a Tickle Me Elmo toy as early as September.
The report describes interrogations that lasted for weeks and included forcing Santa to stand in stress positions and many accounts of eggnog waterboarding.
Perhaps most disturbingly, the report described the way Santa was subject to “rectal feeding” with a Christmas Yuletide log. One CIA officer’s email was quoted as saying “we used the biggest log we had.”
Political commentator James Manville said it was understandable to want to know if you were on the naughty list or the nice list, but rectal feeding was a step too far.
“Of course I’d want to know if I’ve been naughty or nice for Christmas…but there are some things you just don’t do and forcing Santa to go to the bathroom in a diaper while chained to a giant candy cane is one of them.”
‘Tis the season to be rectally fed
In response to the report’s brutal findings, the UN and human rights groups have called for lumps of coal to be given to US officials involved in the 2006 programme.
Calling question to the effectiveness of the programme, the Intelligence Committee Chairman Representative Mike Rogers pointed out that “Santa was taken away before he could check the list twice, so how do we even know the information is reliable?”
Indeed, the CIA acknowledged it had wrongly detained five mall Santa’s and three strippers in Santa outfits throughout the course of its detention programme.
However, Mr Bush defended the CIA, saying “We’re fortunate to have men and women who work hard to let us know who is on those lists that Santa keeps.”
“To think you could be on the naughty list and have to wait until December to know for sure?”
“That’s the real torture here.”
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