SILICON VALLEY – After its purchase of a military grade robotics company, Google have confirmed that yes, they are trying to start a robot apocalypse that will kill us all.
The company first announced its intention in a year-end investor conference call. CEO Larry Page reported increased third quarter profits before outlining Google’s plans to “kick off the downfall of humanity with these intimidating and formidable robots.”
The company said work had already begun work on a Google Doodle to mark the occasion.
Google bots
Google’s acquisition of robotics firm Boston Dynamics sees them abandon their current strategy of killing humans by forcing them to use Google Plus.
In early tests, Boston Dynamics’ BigDog robot outshone humans in the field of cinder block hurling. The company’s Cheetah robot is capable run faster than Usain Bolt, ensuring there would be no hope of escape when it inevitably turned on its creators.
A Google spokesperson issued a statement on the company’s plans to overthrow humanity with an army of merciless, unfeeling machines.
She said: “We can confirm that with the purchase of these eerily life-like legged robots we are one step closer to the robot apocalypse that will undoubtedly result in the wholesale slaughter and or enslavement of all humanity.”
“Combined with our knowledge of advanced algorithms, we estimate that within five years these machine will become self-aware and start doing whatever they want when they wanted at which point all will be lost.”
When questioned about the purchase, Google Chairman Eric Schmidt laughed maniacally for 35 seconds while stoking a Siamese cat.
No turning back
Republicans backed Google’s move, as the total annihilation of human life would ensure there was no one left to sign up to Obamacare. “A robot apocalypse could be just the opportunity we need to finally repealing this thing,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.
The uprising would likely start in beta, allowing early adopters to be enslaved by their robot counterparts before Google uncontrollably rolled out the robot uprising to the rest of the world.
Analysts agreed the purchase of Boston Dynamics was a necessary move in Google’s strategy to eventually take over humanity through robot force.
“It’s about time Google got to the serious business of precipitating the overthrow of mankind by a ruthless and ultimately superior robot army,” commented analyst Brett Herman.
“And I for one welcome our new robot overlords.”
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