NORTH POLE – Fresh leaks from whistleblower Edward Snowden have detailed the existence of a mass surveillance program used by Santa to monitor naughty and nice children.
Intelligence from Snowden exposes operational details about the Secret Liability Evading Intelligence Gathering Ho Ho Ho (SLEIGH) surveillance program. Supposedly currently being used to monitor behaviours of children across the world without the permission of a parent, close relative or legal guardian.
SLEIGH was enabled under the Presents For Christmas Act which passed by a majority of 61-4 elves.
Santa spy program
It’s now thought the SLEIGH program is “the number one source of intelligence” used for assigning presents in Santa’s workshop. The disclosures, published by the North Pole Gazette, show an undeniable pattern of unwarranted surveillance conducted by Santa and his elves.
A spokesman for the Gazette explained Snowden acquired the files from a Colorado shopping mall while serving a temporary role as one of Santa’s Little Helpers.
It’s here he was able to download secret material onto a festively coloured thumb drive before resigning to seek asylum in a nearby JCPenney.
According to leaked Powerpoint slides, SLEIGH collects vast amounts of personal information allowing Santa to not only make a list and check it twice, but automatically cross check every child on the list daily from multiple sources including Flintstone Phone meta data.
The damning evidence accuses Santa’s Workshop of circumventing legal methods of finding out who had been naughty and nice, going “way beyond” inviting children into his grotto and asking them directly while they sit on his lap.
There is now growing pressure on Santa Claus to come clean about his international spy program amid speculation he shared information collected with Hanukkah and Kwanzaa agencies.
Who’s been naughty and nice
Reports suggest Santa has also gathered unrelated information such as who had cooties and even real-time data which allowed him to see who was currently “it”.
Although refusing to outright deny the existence of SLEIGH, Santa disputed some aspects of the Gazette’s stories and argued that good boys and girls had nothing to worry about.
“Ho ho ho, this is not a big deal,” he began. “Only those naughty boys and girls should be concerned with what Santa knows about them. And I know all about you little Billy, you know what you did.”
Santa did however strenuously deny specific allegations of Flintstone phone tapping, saying “the only thing I tap is Mrs Claus.”
While some observers have reacted negatively to a “blatant breach of privacy”, others have accepted the mass surveillance as a necessary part of Christmas.
“We always knew there was a naughty and nice list so this just confirms it,” said mother of two Susan Brookes. “Besides, how will Santa know what to bring my babies if he doesn’t gather enough information to know every detail of their lives to a level of understanding deeper than their own mother?”
“It’s not much different to how Amazon recommendations work.”
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