MANCHESTER – Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.
His response in the wake of two straight home defeats have called into question his state of mind, prompting the need for an extensive psychiatric evaluation.
Moyes is the first manager to have a medical since Kenny Dalglish decided the purchase of Andy Carroll for £35 million could pass as a sensible financial transaction.
Better safe than sorry
Following Manchester United’s 1-0 loss to Newcastle, football fans everywhere have reported being unable to say the words “Man Utd can still win the title” without breaking out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
“When I heard David say United could still win it I waited for him to break out into a fit of giggles,” said former Wales midfielder Robbie Savage. “That was my reaction when I tried saying the same thing just a few minutes ago.”
A statement from the club read: “Manchester United can confirm David Moyes will undergo a medical as we seek to ensure he his of sound mind to continue with his duties as manager.”
“The club acknowledges it is strange for any manager to undergo a medical,” the statement continued, “but you all heard what he said right?”
Match of the Day host Gary Lineker said the medical made sense as “none of the fellas here have been able to say ‘Man Utd will win the league’ without a bout of hysterics so we’re a little concerned that David has managed it so effortlessly.”
Thorough examination
Football experts were unable to determine if Moyes actually believed his team could overcome a string of woeful performances to claim another title or simply lacked the necessary muscle strength to respond to such a statement in the appropriate manner.
It’s understood that part of the medical will gauge Moyes’ responses to other nonsense statements like “England will win the World Cup” or “Miley Cyrus will never see the inside of a rehab clinic.”
Fans of other clubs have reacted with a mixture of confusion and pleasure over the statement.
“There’s no doubt it’s been a difficult start but there’s still a long way to go and…I believe Man Utd can still win the title,” said Arsenal fan Michael Rogers before adding: “HAHAHAHA! I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!”
“How long was that? Like, eight seconds?”
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