WALL STREET – Bankers at the world’s largest financial institutions have announced they are ready to kick off another economic catastrophe some time soon.
Current economic conditions suggest now is “as good a time as any” to begin engaging in a series of esoteric, overly complex financial transactions that would inevitably fail and being the world economy down with them.
Though no firm date was given, Wall Street sources say employees at Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase and Bank of America have agreed to “get things rolling”.
Green light
Top economists have pointed to indicators such as rising GDP, robust house prices and lax regulation as the rationale for traders to begin taking more unreasonably reckless chances with other people’s money while high on drugs.
“We’ve been tracking the key economic data points for months now,” said a Reuters analyst. “According to our calculations this is the most likely period for the banks to completely sh*t on everything the country has worked to rebuild, technically speaking”.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon has given his support for another fiscal apocalypse, arguing that five years was “far too long” between economic disasters, especially when they were so profitable.
“Some of my staff have never felt the rush of financial meltdown or know the true meaning of what it is to ruin lives with a financial derivative,” he said.
“They’ve only read about it in the Wall Street Journal.”
For the hell of it
Dimon said he knew the time was right for financial destruction on a worldwide scale when he overheard a working class man tell his wife life was worth living again.
24 hours later a framework to “totally screw the economy” was in place which will involve the creation of new financial instruments even more convoluted and ultimately worthless than the last.
“When it comes to events like this you really want to put a lot of thought in how we plan to put no thought into the lives of others – it’s a special time.”
Despite spending the years since the crash of 2008 personally overseeing the foreclosures of two dozen homes, pulling funding from several small business and running over a lemonade stand, nothing came close to the thrill of a widespread financial chaos that you help create.
“If I had to choose between the rush of demolishing the world’s financial stability and the rush of cocaine I’d choose…”
“Oh wait, I don’t have to choose.”
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