UNITED STATES – Stores across the country are hailing the “best Black Friday ever” after record levels of violence has put the retail sector on course for a bumper year-end.
Analysts cautioned against drawing conclusions before all bodies were counted, but early forecasts suggest needless deaths could be up as much as 8% from 2012 which indicates a robust economic recovery is well underway.
Black Friday violence is considered to be the most accurate economic indicator since cocaine sales were first used to track the strength of the financial sector.
Looking up
Retail analyst Michael Groves says this month has seen the strongest consumer spending numbers since six people were stomped on and had their copies of Grand Theft Auto V stolen.
“GDP and inflation are all fine data points,” said Groves, “but the real economic insights can only be measured by the number of frantic shoppers willing to trample their fellow human being for products they’ll surely throw out next year anyway.”
The figures show stabbings up 20% and tramplings up by 15%. Surprisingly, shooting incidents fell 7% as shoppers sought more varied means of attack.
Indeed, at a New Jersey Toys R Us, one shopper was beaten to death with a Barbie Dream House reduced to just $12.99 “FOR TODAY ONLY”.
A rise in Black Friday violence continue to surprise analysts who still can’t believe people go to such lengths for things they don’t really need.
Treasury secretary Jacob Lew called this the clearest indication the U.S. economy remained number one as he revealed he had “shived at least two people” with a sharpened toothbrush on his way to “a sweet sweet 60 inch LED flat screen”.
‘She bit me!’
Wal-Mart were among the first retail outlets to report their Black Friday figures, confirming three people died and one was “hanging on for life” as the company celebrated a highly profitable sales season.
“If anyone thinks I won’t cut-a-bitch to get this damn Barbie you dead wrong!” was just one of many reassuring cries from crowds outside a Houston Wal-Mart as executives hailed the best Black Friday ever.
“We’re absolutely delighted with the results this Black Friday,” said Charles Holley, Wal-Mart’s chief financial officer shortly after notifying the families affected.
“You can never predict how things will play out in a tough economic climate, but when I saw a mother smoosh another woman’s face again the door glass it brought a smile to my face.”
“Isn’t Black Friday Great?”
Leave a Reply