HOLLYWOOD – Producer Michael Bay has expressed delight over his deal with Paramount to ruin another of your childhood memories.
The man responsible for all three Transformers movies told fans he is “super excited” to be working on a new franchise, promising to take all you love dear and reduce it to a soulless computer graphics stuffed shell of its former self.
He also confirmed he would be burning your treasured memories to ashes in full 3D.
Major deal
The deal sees Bay take the helm of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after the 48-year-old was praised for his work on the Transformers franchise, taking what should have been a joyous 90-minute celebration and casting Shia Labeouf.
“I’m so looking forward to this project,” Bay said as he recalled his decision to turn the Decepticons into unrecognisable alien trash “like it was yesterday”.
After crushing the dreams of countless Transformers fans, Paramount immediately locked the producer into the long-term deal.
“He’s such a perfectionist when it comes to stripping out every good thing from a classic franchise and replacing it with unnecessarily flash Hollywood filler,” said Paramount CEO Brad Grey.
“When it comes to projects like these, there’s no one better at leaving your childhood memories broken on the floor of your nostalgia.”
‘There’s tons to ruin’
Industry experts agreed that Bay was off to a good start in casting Megan Fox who has already been hailed as “essential” to making the movie a terrible viewing experience.
“She doesn’t look like April and she’s totally wrong for the part – that’s why I knew I had to bring her on board,” explained Bay who is said to be “looking forward” to the responsibility of the task in front of him.
“When you work on a franchise that has so many good things within it,” began Bay, “it can be a daunting task to turn everything that made the series special into an incoherent, thematically inaccurate mess even when you have what feels like an unlimited budget along with an already well established frame of reference for what the fans want…”
“But hey, that’s what I’m good at right?”
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