SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.
President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.
The President warned the US “could not turn a blind eye” to the use of chemical weapons in Syria when regular bullets get the job done just fine.
Dead is dead
Destruction of the country’s chemical weapon sites marks a major step in the complex task of appearing to save face while thousands are killed.
Speaking at a press conference, Syrian President and substitute teacher lookalike Bashar al-Assad proudly announced that “no longer will we subject the Syrian people to the horrors of chemical attack”.
“Starting today” he continued, “those who oppose my will can rest assured that when we come to end your life in the dead of night it will be done with ordinary arms.
US Secretary of State John Kerry backed the move and explained the US wasn’t looking to meddle in the way one government goes about the business of wanton slaughter, but that more must be done to promote conventional ways of mass murder.
“We’re not trying to harsh anyone’s buzz here,” reassured Kerry.”the regime has been killing their own people for a while now and that’s cool with us.”
“Let’s just keep it organic ok?”
Kerry condemned chemical weapons as a horrible way to take human life, adding the use of horribly dangerous toxic materials could not be trusted “unless you’re buying from a reputable source like us.”
As you were
A spokesperson for the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW) told reporters: “We had a look around and everything checks out just fine.”
“No chemical weapons are left…just a load of handguns, a cache of machine guns, grenades, and what look like some top notch rocket launchers in the corner over there.”
The OPCW now says it is now confident the regime has met its obligation, and have given it the green light to proceed with its business of answering opposition “as nature intended” using basic heavy artillery and explosives.
The White House praised the Syrian government’s efforts as President Obama declared that the use of dangerous chemicals “should be restricted solely to the food we eat.”
Leave a Reply