Apple To Launch New iPhone With Pre Cracked Screen

CALIFORNIA – Apple have confirmed it will follow up with a new version of the iPhone that has the screen already broken and cracked beyond repair.

The announcement was made at a press conference where Apple chief executive Tim Cook said that “the way our customers use their phones undoubtedly tells us that what they want is a version of the iPhone with the screen all smashed up” before declaring: “and here it is.”

The new iPhone will contain a reinforced steel casing, have a brushed aluminium back and a host of unseemly shatter marks across the face of the phone.

‘Cracked is the new white’

Early reports had suggested the company was facing production problems, in that they were having problem completely smashing enough screens in time for release, but these were quickly refuted by Mr Cook.

Apple will release the new iPhone in two models: single scratch for $199 (£120) and shattered for $299 (£180).

Speaking at the company’s Cupertino headquarters, vice president Phil Schiller said he was confident the new look phone would be welcomed by fans thus far forced to drop their new phones on a hard surface to get the same.

“With the new iPhone, you’ll get that feature right out of the box,” said Schiller who assured “each crack has been lovingly smashed right into the glass surface of every new iPhone.”

If the new model proved popular as expected, the market could see a new iPad sold with glaring scratches across its face and new Macbooks with bullet holes in the screen by the next fiscal year.

Following the launch, Apple reassured owners of older iPhone models that they could take their phone into their nearest Apple store to be upgraded to the latest model.

“We’ve made the upgrade process extremely simple and can be done in a matter of seconds by any trained member of staff with a hammer.”

Pleasing the market

Reading from his new iPhone, tech analyst David Finley reported the company’s stock had gone up by 12 points, “though that could be a 16. There are so many shatter marks I can barely see what’s on the screen – it’s great.”

The new devices were also well received by early adopters in line at Apple’s flagship New York store.

“I just dropped my phone on the driveway and now the screen is damaged beyond repair,” iPhone 5 owner Ben Johnson told reporters.

“So this new iPhone has come just in time.”