AFGHANISTAN – al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.
The organisation admitted the presence of an extensive surveillance system that circumvented Fourth Amendment rights of citizens was a “cause for concern” to their viability.
Up to a hundred jobs are likely to be cut at al-Qaeda through a mix of voluntary redundancies and forced suicide attacks.
‘You’re fired’
With opportunities to destroy American freedoms reducing, the existence of the NSA’s Prism program of unfettered online surveillance has forced al-Qaeda into drastic action to keep a float.
The Middle East based outfit confirmed it had started redundancy consultation in a statement release to Al Jazeera Business Network.
A memo leaked on the day news of PRISM broke gave insight into the concern felt among top ranking al-Qaeda officials:
“Ayman, have you seen CNN today?! This Prism thing is going to put us out of business!!!! :-(”
Speaking via pre-recorded video tape, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said cuts would be concentrated in the “Anti Freedom” department, but HR will remain unaffected.
“When we started there were plenty of freedoms to attack,” he explained from an unknown cavernous location.
“With 9/11, we delivered a great blow and even now many of our brothers are yet to make it through all seventy two virgins allocated to them as reward.”
“But now the infidels are attacking their own freedoms and we simply cannot afford to keep staffing levels this high if there is insufficient work to go around.”
With the future of his organisation in serious doubt, al-Zawahiri went on to say: “you’ve all been integral in our ongoing Jihad against the West and we’ll be happy to provide references.”
‘Victims of our own success’
Rasool bin Mursaleen, a former al-Qaeda operative, said he blamed his former employer, not the U.S. government for his current situation.
“We were at the forefront of the industry for a while but we should have known it was only a matter of time before everyone else saw the potential in attacking the freedoms of the American devils.”
“We should have diversified.”
Indeed, experts have speculated that the organisation may have to diversify in other areas of terrorism but options are limited.
“Eco terrorism has big growth potential,” suggested business analyst Scott Dorsal.
“But there are too many women giving orders and not wearing veils for the organisation to move in that direction.”
Leave a Reply