VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.
The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.
He also told of several occasions in which he had been unexpectedly routed through God’s automated telephone system.
‘Press 2 for God’
It has been 18 days since he stepped down as pontiff and Benedict told archbishops close to him that the creator of all things seemed to take longer to return calls and in some cases did not reply at all.
The change in behaviour has baffled Benedict and has led to the German to speculate he was being avoided since his shock resignation.
“There has definitely been a changes,” he said. “When I was pope we would talk on the phone for hours but now it’s like He’s always busy…the automated system is new to me.”
“One day I called him three times and got nothing. But then I tried ringing on a different phone and he picked up right away.”
Pope Benedict also recalled trying to arrange a lunch date with God only to have it continuously pushed back due to “some stuff that came up” and has yet to be rescheduled.
“They say when you leave your job you’re forgotten about so maybe I should have seen this coming.”
“He’s probably talking to that new guys, Francis or whatever his name is.”
Simple explanation
When questioned, God told reporters that He had just been unusually busy with the Church as well as keeping the Miami Heat winning streak going, advising Benedict to “just relax”.
Speaking via burning bush, God ensured the German He would get back to him as soon as he had the time before reminding everyone just how much was on his plate.
“Sometimes things get busy up here and I need to prioritise,” reminded the voice emanating from the bush. “It takes a lot of effort to keep LeBron dunking like this.”
God went on to reaffirm that “no one is trying to avoid anyone’s calls,” before being forced to cut his appearance short to decide the outcome of a football game in South America.
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