UNITED KINGDOM – As the acceptance of same-sex marriage appears increasingly likely, opposing advocates say they will now do all they can to keep gay divorce illegal.
Conservatives leading the renewed charge say they will fight “tooth and nail” for the heterosexual right to sever sacred marriage vows, especially in cases where doing could boost celebrity status or land a substantial pay day.
Leading anti gay divorce campaigners are confident this would swing things back in their favour, “but not swing like in a gay way or anything.”
Sanctity of divorce
By shifting their focus to the act of divorce, protesters would now look to ensure gay men and women remain trapped in marriage “way past the point it was any fun.”
This pro-active move would keep the definition of divorce as the “union of man and woman up until the point said man and woman speak the words ‘eh, this isn’t working out anymore let’s call it a day’.”
“Gay marriage will only lead to gay divorce and that’s something we cannot allow to happen,” explained anti gay divorce campaigner Ross Harlow.
“Divorce is a long-standing separation of two heterosexual people and the idea it would be anything else is something that must be penetrated and dismantled immediately.”
He then quickly clarified: “But not penetrate like in a gay way or anything.”
“We knew this was a possibility ever since our society started letting homosexuals dress straight men on TV,” confessed one MP who voted against the legalisation of same-sex marriages.
“Let’s see how they like gay marriage when gay divorce is not available to them.”
Straight and narrow
The legislation, drafted by a coalition of unhappily married MPs, would be pushed through Parliament in time for January 2015 and in time for the key divorce month according to most ex-husbands.
Conservative lawmaker Gerald Howarth was practical in his assessment but firm in this course of action, “but not firm like in a gay way or anything.”
He told Parliament that while they push throw an unholy mandate that will corrupt the nation, there was “nothing stopping us from trapping gay people in a loveless marriage for a lifetime.”
“We’ll let them get married, sure we will. But they’ll never be allowed to get out.”
He added: “Mmmmwahahahaa!”
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