LONDON – Julian Assange is spending his second night recovering in a local hospital after complications resulting from Hyper Acute Lack of Public Attention (HALoPA).
With his Wikileaks publicity fading over a year ago, the medical emergency was the direct result of Julian Assange failing to find any coverage of Julian Assange in a major media outlet.
He was taken to St Mary’s Hospital where doctors describe his condition as “touch and go”.
Dangerous condition
Experts describe Hyper Acute Lack of Public Attention as a neurological condition that attacks the portion of the brain responsible for inflated sense of self-importance and can have a devastating effect on the rest of the body if not treated with a prime time slot on BBC News.
The Wikileaks founder and Guinness World Record holder for most translucent human was rushed to a nearby facility on Monday morning suffering from extreme nausea, night terrors, hissy fits and a highly deflated ego.
It’s thought that Assange requires at least two featured new reports every fortnight sustain his vitals, but recently he had fallen as low as a passing mention tabloid papers leading to a “total shutdown of the body” and his eventual hospitalisation.
A spokesman for the Ecuadorean embassy said Julian Assange had asked a member of staff if there had been anyone talking about him on the news on the day of his collapse.
“When the staff member in question replied ‘no’, Mr Assanges’s eyes rolled up in the back of his head and he subsequently went into shock.”
Urgent appeal
Doctors at St Mary’s Hospital confessed the Australian was in a bad way.
“When he came through A&E he looked like he hadn’t been featured in a news report of any significance in weeks…maybe months,” said Dr Greg Jenson who confirmed the 41-year-old had looked “even paler than usual” when he arrived at the emergency room.
“We stabilised him by drip feeding video footage of his last major TV appearances and that seems to have had improved his condition in the short term.”
“It’s been on a loop for the past 12 hours, but we’ll need more footage to keep him stable.”
Dr Jenson is now calling on major news broadcasters to “get this man in front of a camera immediately” to aid the whistleblower in his recovery.
“He needs fresh public attention or he won’t last for much longer.”
“Is there a publisict in the house?!”
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