ENGLAND – A recent consumer survey suggests the Mayan doomsday prophecy is now the number one reason men everywhere have still not begun their Christmas shopping.
The survey found that 99% of men aged 25 to 50 pointed to the prophesied cataclysmic sequence of event on December 21st as the leading cause of an utter failure to plan their seasonal purchases for loved ones.
With just two weeks to Christmas Day, researchers are predicting an 87% likelihood of disappointed faces across many households this year.
Scientific proof
An End Times scenario where a galactic alignment will bring about destruction of the planet as a result of devastating shifts in gravitational forces has topped last year’s excuse “Huh, what? Christmas?” Which has fallen to number three behind another new entry “Shhh. I’m watching Homeland.”
Professor Tracy Sloan said the findings were “as disappointing as they were conclusive” and warned women to set their expectations of receiving acceptable gifts to appropriately low levels.
“Our data shows the merest possibility of an end times like scenario, regardless of any actual scientific evidence, is leading males to push back their Christmas shopping plans until after the 21st of December.”
“We’ve found that men just don’t want to take the risk of putting significant thought and effort into a gift only for the world as we know it to come to an abrupt and deadly end.”
Greg Martins is just one participant in the survey who said he was waiting to see whether all life on the plant would be wiped out before making last-minute trip to John Lewis.
“I’m just waiting to see if the planet is still in one piece before making my list d’you know what I mean?”
“It’s just common sense the way I see it. No point in getting work up and all that just to have the human race obliterated. You’d look like a right idiot.”
Statistical analysis
Should the prophesy not come to pass however, men would be left with just three days to shop for gifts. Two days less than the historical average according to previous data.
Retailers were predicting a 160% surge in the number of socks, hair spray and copies of Love Actually passed of as thoughtful presents as well as an 80% increase in self-made offerings such as a Christmas mixtape.
Faced with those statistics, professor Sloan said she believed many men will wish the End Times did happen.
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