New Jersey – A shocking Toys R US report has detailed the Energizer Bunny’s leading role in “the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme this store has ever seen”.
The 1000 page report compiled by the chain labelled the Energizer Bunny a cheat who systematically used illegal substances to boost performances in battery comparison tests around the world.
As a result, he has been stripped of all titles including AA, AAA, and 9V.
‘We’re all shocked’
The details of the report have also led to a lifetime ban from competing in any Consumer Reports sanctioned battery tests.
Suspicions of doping were first raised over a decade ago following widespread claims the Energizer Bunny was able to “operate indefinitely” when others had slowed to a halt.
In a statement accompanying the report, Toys R Us spokesman Geoffrey the Giraffe stated there was “conclusive and undeniable proof” the Energizer Bunny was at the heart of the conspiracy.
He said: “The Energizer Bunny engaged in a massive and long-running scheme to use banned substances, cover his tracks, intimidate witnesses, tarnish reputations and do whatever was necessary to conceal the truth.”
“Along with his co-conspirators, the Energizer Bunny was able to operate the most sophisticated doping the toy industry has seen since Snoop Dogg’s line of life-like action figures.”
The Energizer Bunny has always denied the use of illegal substances to last up to nine times longer than his closest competitors.
However, the damning report paints a picture of different figure one central to a highly effective network which included battery-powered Furby and Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Serious recriminations
Longtime fans of the drum banging bunny have been hit hard by the news.
“We use Energizer batteries,” said Geoffrey Mears. “They’re all over the house. In our TV remote. Our garage door opener…they’re even in our kid’s Barbie for Christ sake!”
In the face of mounting evidence, the only reaction from the Energizer Bunny has been to continuously bang his drum as if unaware of the serious implications.
The report’s contents were confirmed when more than a dozen toys came forward, confirming their own guilt in the process.
In a frank admission Tickle Me Elmo revealed: “It got to a point where Elmo couldn’t get out even if Elmo wanted too.”
“Elmo only wanted to play for longer and Energizer Bunny was Elmo’s go to guy for the good stuff.”
He added: “Elmo was in too deep. Hehehehehe. That tickles!”
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