CUPERTINO – Following the announcement of the company’s latest phone, CEO Tim Cook has hailed the iPhone 5 as a “revolution” in faking enthusiasm for a consumer electronics product.
Apple’s chief was confident the phone will push the boundaries of “pretending to be excited for a phone that’s pretty much the same as the last two phones we put out.”
“It has many of the same features as the 4S. It looks the same too, but come release day people will fall over themselves to get one. That’s the magic of iPhone 5.”
Brand new
Lead Designer Jonathan Ive was on hand to give a live demonstration when he described the phone as “fantastic”, “amazing” and “really really reeeeealy good”.
He went on to highlight the major difference between the iPhone 5 and other devices on the market as “definitely something that exists”.
“This is the greatest thing to happen to iPhone since the iPhone,” he said with a straight face. “It makes phone calls. It’s…err, it’s a little lighter. I think the screen is bigger…It’s somewhat faster. You know, innovation.”
Although not yet confirmed from real world testing, company sources claim iPhone 5 will allow users to talk excitedly about the phone for as long as eight hours before dropping all pretense.
The launch was greeted with rapturous welcome from current iPhone users eager to make use of features that have been present in other phones since 2011.
“This is awesome!” Declared one fan who managed to hold his smile for a full 10 second before looking around awkwardly.
“I waited two years to upgrade to an iPhone 5 because I was sure it would blow away the competition so I’m really happy…I really really am. I mean it’s definitely different from the last one. I’m so so happy!”
“No really. I’m so happy with this.”
Technological marvel
There was a temporary glitch with the device when marketing head Phil Schiller broke down during his presentation and cried “Oh who are we kidding?! It’s the same God damn phone for crying out loud!”
However, the glitch was soon fixed when the Vice President of Product Marketing went on to explain how making a new iPhone marginally larger and thinner was worth getting excited for.
An Apple spokesman did clarify the fault was an “isolated incident” which the company confirmed would be ironed out by the time the device is released to the public.
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