FLORIDA – Locals are being told to “prepare for the worst” on the back of news the Republican National Convention taking place in Florida is continuing to gather speed.
The large gathering of conservatives is thought to hit the state which is already experiencing the first effects: a reduction in racial diversity and a warm front of hostility towards Mexicans.
Officials have issued multiple warnings in what could be the highest outpouring of hot air to sweep across Tampa since the ill-fated Zeppelin disaster of 1908.
Advance warning
The first day has been quiet but experts are expecting the situation to take a turn for the worst once Mitt Romney is formally nominated as presidential candidate.
Residents in the path of the Republican gathering have been told they should not “tempt fate” and evacuate the area “unless you’re a white male under the age of 65”.
The function is currently classed as a category two convention, but could be upgraded to a category four when vice presidential pick Paul Ryan outlines his plans for the national budget on Wednesday.
Damage from the convention could be severe enough to send the surrounding backwards 400 years.
“Right now we’ve only heard the usual talk about tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans,” said meteorologist Mitch Connell.
“But when this area of debate moves into cutting welfare and immigration policy, that’s when we’ll see the full force of the convention bear down on Tampa.”
“It’s not going to be pretty,” he warned before urging poor people, ethnic minority and women considering travelling to the area to cancel their plans “for their own safety”.
Safety first
In preparation for an increase in rhetoric, residents have begun boarding windows, taping down contraception and laying down sandbags in efforts to keep out the torrent of mindless Fox News coverage.
“My team are monitoring for an upswing in seventeenth century ideology,” confirmed Mr Connell. “There is millions worth of equipment set to raise the alarm if it detects 10 or more instances of the phrases ‘Regan’, ‘small government’ and ‘Obamacare in a five minute period.”
“We’re taking all the necessary precautions.”
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