ENGLAND – Thousands of below average students are said to be “ecstatic” to have avoided paying £9000 in tuition fees by receiving D grades and below.
Results release day has proved to be a fearful time for high achievers fully aware that anything above a C grade could see them saddled with crippling fees they’ll be paying off for as long as the Liberal Democrats remain political outcasts.
Delighted students celebrated earning grades low enough to stay clear of the chance to come more familiar with debt than a Greek native.
Jubilant scenes
“I’m over the moon,” said Craig Sharp moments after learning of his three D grades. Despite also receiving an A in English, he was safe in the knowledge he would not have to sell his kidney to make it through university.
“Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against education…but, I like having two kidneys so I was in a real dilemma.”
Another student put the situation into greater context.
“A lot of these smart kids think they’re so smart and stuff,” suggested Mark Douglas. “I got an E in maths and even I can see that paying nine grand for a ting that cost three grand the year before ain’t too smart.”
It was not all good news however, while many will be celebrating other faced a scramble to come up with the cash after finding out they received passing grades.
Several students needed to be consoled after the enormity of the bill they will be left with sunk in.
“Three A’s and an A star. I’m gutted,” Jonathan Walters told reporters. “Nine thousand….I’m lost for words.”
Indeed, cries of “DAMN YOU CLEGG!” could be heard at more than one institution.
‘We dodged a bullet’
Jackie Barton from Colchester celebrated with her family, proud that they would not have to pay to continue their daughter’s education.
“This is fantastic news. Just fantastic,” cried Mrs Barton as she wiped tears from his eyes. “Two D grades and an Unclassified. I couldn’t be more proud of our little darling.”
M Barton was equally glad he could keep his wallet in his pocket.
“There was no way me and the wife were going to shell out that much to get Jackie though a degree.”
He went on to add: “Nine grand a year? Fu*k that, we want to retire you know. We’ll teach her at home thank you very much.”
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