ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.
Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.
The time of death was estimated to have been full time.
‘He was bored to death’
Believed to be the last of its subspecies, the Galapagos tortoise is now been confirmed as extinct as England’s chances of winning a major tournament in the next 100 years.
Park officials had been looking to take the giant tortoise’s mind off being the last of its kind, but an inquest is being held into why they thought watching England labour to a banal 0-0 knockout was the solution.
In a sombre press conference, staff at the Galapagos National Park confirmed Lonesome George has died as a result of complications in England’s inability to keep the ball and progress past the halfway line in any meaningful way.
“This morning the park ranger in charge of looking after the tortoises found Lonesome George, his body was motionless,” explained the head of the Galapagos National Park, Edwin Naula.
The post mortem report explained how the laboured nature of England’s play over an extended period of time caused George’s heartbeat to slow to a point at which it was never able to recover.
“He was as stiff as the England players he was watching – so sad.”
With no offspring, Lonesome George became was thought to be as rare as a good performance from Ashley Young during the competition.
End of the line
Naula blamed himself for the death and was “genuinely saddened” that George, who often confounded scientists with his inability to produce children, spent his last moments confounded by England’s inability to string 10 passes together.
However, scientists at the park say hope was not completely lost as the 11 players who crashed out to Italy were said to now be the species closest to that of slow moving creatures known for retreating into their shells.
According to the park, the programme could “easily” be continued with any one of the players on the team.
“George may be gone but yesterday we saw hope in 11 creatures capable of retreating into their shells for hours.”
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