WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death. Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.
President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.
New terror alert
The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to make sure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.
Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment: “We don’t want to alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.
Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.
A White House counter-terrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.
‘We will remain vigilant’
Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”
“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”
“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”
Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”
He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.
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