CRYSTAL LAKE – After several protesters were shot dead during a ceasefire, Professional killer Jason Voorhees has blasted the Syrian regime for taking their killing spree “way too far.”
Following a year-long campaign of violence enacted against its own civilians, the mass murdering lunatic said it was time President Bashir al Assad showed some restraint.
The demonstrations were seen as a major test of the ceasefire, and while the machete enthusiast admitted he “would have been tempted”, he said the government really need to show some restraint.
‘This has gotten out of hand’
Jason Voorhees broke his silence today to call on the Syrian military to “dial it down” and adhere to the UN agreed ceasefire.
Referring to Assad as an unstoppable monster, he indicated he would have offered to aid efforts to monitor compliance but had a pre-existing appointment with some unassuming white ladies.
Mr Voorhees’ comments come amid strong scepticism that Assad’s commitment to the planned halting of violence.
“Look I know how this goes,” said Voorhees. “You kill one innocent person…then another…and another. Pretty soon there’s blood up to your elbows and you’ve lost count of how many wide-eyed Jon Does you’ve hacked to death.”
The UN estimates that about 9,000 people have died since anti-government protests began in March 2011 a figure Jason said was deplorable even though it made him “a little jealous.”
“I’m all for a bit of fun and games, but there comes a point when you need to dial it back. Even Freddy took a breather once in a while.”
His words were backed by UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon as well as the creepy doll from Saw who condemned the killing as senseless and unnecessarily violent.
Senseless violence
However, the public rebuke appears to have fallen on deaf ears. Although confessing to be a fan of his work, President Assad advised Mr Voorhees to leave matters such as the indiscriminate massacre of innocents to the experts.
“From one indiscriminate killer to another I ask Mr Jason to stay out of Syrian business,” Assad said, claiming infamous killer’s verbal attack was rooted in fear of the Syrian President overtaking Jason’s position in the top 100 villains list.
Assad added: “This is the big leagues kid. He should work on his own stats and leave the real killing to those with the stomach for it.”
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