CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:
Dear internet users,
By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites. Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.
The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:
I DO NOT look like Carl Weathers.
Unfortunately, I have not had the chance to watch Predator due to other commitments over the last 26 years, so I can not comment on our relative acting abilities. However, I am certain my film has now been seen by many more people than his. But back to the visual comparison.
YES, we are both black men who sometime wear hats but this is where the similarities end.
Firstly. I am many times more handsome than Carl is and my moustache is far nicer than his.
Secondly. I have a larger forehead which is indicative of my larger brain – the one I have used to stay one step ahead of ICC authorities by moving into the bushes where they cannot see me.
Third and most crucially. Mr Weathers’ eyes do not reflect the yellow tinted stare of a man willing to tear innocent children from their families and callously brainwash them to commit horrible acts of violence that go utterly against their nature, robbing them of their most precious childhoods in the process. Mine do.
There. Much better. I am very glad to get this injustice off my chest and I pray to the God whose name cannot be spoken in daylight that we can move past this silliness.
Once again, we look nothing like each other and the comparison has been very damaging for me.
This is the kind of misinformation that spreads around the workplace and can ruin careers. Thankfully the majority of people I work with are too young to understand the reference.
With that said, I ask you to please end this negative campaign against me.
Kind Regards,
Joseph Cecil Kony
Head of the Lord’s Resistance Army
Uganda…?
P.S. Who is this “Justin Bieber” and why do his fans hate me so much?
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