UNITED KINGDOM – Following reports that News of the World were not responsible for deleting voicemail messages of a murder victim, Standard & Poors have downgraded the newspaper’s rating from “abhorrent scum” to “regular old scum”.
Officials at the ratings firm explained that in light of evidence suggesting the messages left for murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler were automatically deleted, the now defunct company “no longer deserved to be considered among the lowest forms of human life.”
The top “Abhorrent” rating for several big international scumbags, including Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, Zimbabwe president Mugabe, and the guy who keeps green-lighting Twilight movies were unchanged.
Dramatic shakeup
The downgrade is now expected to force the public to admit there are lower standards of human behaviour than journalists working for the News of the World.
The last major change since downgrading Muammar Gaddafi’s rating from “tyrant” to “dead”.
S&P’s unprecedented move came after hours of deliberations and brought criticism of flawed analysis from experts arguing that the paper had done enough morally repulsive things to maintain the top rating.
“Have they forgotten we’re the ones that hacked messages of 9-11 victims just to get a story?” Questioned James Murdoch.
It was also confirmed as the first time an entire institution has had their rating downgraded since McDonald’s went from “barely nutritious” to “???” in the early 90s.
“This is not a decision we have made lightly,” said a spokesman for S&P.
Pat Geary said the downgrade “reflects our opinion that without the deleting messages thing, News of the World falls short of what in our view can be classified as the lowest of the low.”
“But only just,” she added.
Repercussions
She continued by saying: “Let’s face it, these people are still really rotten. But if they were not directly responsible for giving false hope to the parents of Milly Dowler then it would be an egregious misrepresentation to give them the top scumbag rating.”
Journalists accused of phone hacking agreed that with a lower rating it would be easier to get jobs in the industry again.
In related news, rival ratings firm Moody’s announced ratings for both Jeremy Clarkson and Simon Cowell were down 10%, though not enough for them to lose their “pomps ass” status.
The agency also downgraded the rating of Nicolas Cage from “acting” to “just collecting a cheque”.
Leave a Reply