LONDON – In an announcement that has rocked the investigative world to its core, Sherlock Holmes has confessed he has yet to solve the mystery of why Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is still in government.
Despite his renowned powers of astute logical reasoning, the master detective claims he has ‘struggled’ to make any progress on this particular case in a frank admission to the general population earlier this week.
A further uncharacteristic move has seen Mr Holmes calling on ordinary members of the public to suggest clues that could help shed light into Nick Clegg’s continued existence within the coalition government.
Head Scratcher
The genius investigator has been on the case since early 2010 but is no closer to a breakthrough that could lead a step closer to the truth.
“Both I and Watson have committed considerable time and energy in our thus far fruitless efforts to ascertain why this Mr Clegg is still around or even what he does – Over a year and we have nothing.”
Mr Holmes has described conducting interviews with several citizens in the search for genuine leads on Nick Clegg’s purpose, but continues to receive “the same blanks stares.”
Attempting to use deductive logic, he had earlier tried hypothesised that if Nick Clegg was voted into government, “he must have had popular support. That must mean he was credible candidate for the position.”
“If he was a credible candidate, that must mean he brings something valuable to the table…but I’m afraid that is where the logic breaks down.”
‘Anything but elementary’
The struggle has even lead Holmes to suggest that the baffling inclusion of Nick Clegg in government affairs could be the work of archenemy Professor Moriarty in an attempt to keep Holmes distracted while he conducts crimes.
The inability to find a link between Nick Clegg and relevance is proving such an issue, close friend Watson has told of his concern over seeing his partner “clearly affected” by the ordeal and perhaps more alarmingly, noticed his Mr Holmes “indulging in far narcotics than usual.”
“I’ve never seen him like this before. The old boy is really shaken up by the whole thing,” Watson told an assembly of stunned reporters.
“Usually he would have solved the case by now but this one has him royally stumped…he just can’t figure it out. No one can.”
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