ENGLAND – To the surprise of many, Chancellor George Osbourne has announced he has solved every problem with the UK economy after hearing Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg had threatened to help.
The Liberal Democrat leader has earlier suggested “the country needs jobs and time is no longer on our side,” before outlining how he planned to personally get involved with several initiatives.
Less than seven hours later, Mr Osbourne hastily reported he had successfully increased the nation’s GDP, reigned in inflation and single-handedly returned millions back to full time employment.
The Chancellor is also said to have brought child poverty rates down to 2% from 25%, “just to make sure.”
‘It’s all taken care of’
Mr Osborne told Westminster the shock caused by the prospect of Nick Clegg playing an active role in government prompted him to act ‘instantly’.
“It took some doing, but the British economy is in perfect working order,” he confirmed outside 11 Downing Street – this only hours after Mr Clegg vowed to get involved in aiding recovery efforts.
“Everybody is employed, inflation has been reined in and I stabilised house prices too. There’s no need for Nick to lift a finger.”
“When I heard he wanted to get involved, it really brought home the severity of the situation and I immediately set about making sure that could not happen. Ever.”
Mr Osbourne later thanked the deputy PM for opening his eyes to what needed to be done to get the country back on track and stressed that “you don’t need to get involved mate – I got this.”
‘That was close’
One local businessman recalls meeting with the Chancellor “when he came to my shop with a dozen applicants and said ‘here take them please we don’t have time’. He seemed very eager and I needed the help.”
So effective was Nick Clegg’s offer of assistance, Prime Minister David Cameron has suggested he threaten to offer his help within country’s the education system in a bid for a similar speedy reversal of fortunes.
When questioned how he managed the instant achievement in the midst of the most severe downturn since the interwar years in a few short hours, Mr Osbourne simply replied: “Sometimes you just need the right motivation.”
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