WASHINGTON DC – The FBI has moved to reassure Scarlett Johansson by promising “every single agent” was investigating the unauthorised leak of the star’s nude photos.
The hack occurred two weeks ago and saw compromising pictures of the star released onto the internet. This prompted Johansson, 26, to call for an FBI investigation which had surpisingly already been underway.
“We’ve been looking for these nude pictures for over a year now,” said FBI Director Robert Mueller. “Ever since Iron Man 2 we’ve had a feeling someone had images of this nature.”
Mr Mueller even went as far as promising to personally review the evidence and stressed that the department we’re “all over” the case.
All hands on deck
The Bureau chief confirmed the entire department had begun ingesting “the person or groups responsible for this terrible, terrible breach of privacy” and vowed “to examine every aspect of the case from all angles possible for as long as it takes to get to the full frontal of things…err, I mean bottom. The firm bottom of the case.”
Inside sources suggest that all current investigations the Most Wanted list threats would be temporarily halted to concentrate fully on Johansson’s request to investigate the source of the nude photo hack.
“We don’t have infinite resources and it’s imperative we prioritise things,” he explained, who appeared visibly irritated to be pulled away from the investigation.
When asked if all agents were needed for this case he replied: “Yes! Can I go now? I need to get back to this.”
Evidence thoroughly examined
The star said she was glad to see the case being taken so seriously and hope for a speedy resolution.
A clear indication of how seriously the department was taking the investigation came when several former agents offered to come out of retirement to assist.
In an equally unusual turn, the US President has also offered his assistance if any be needed for any reason, “any reason at all. You just call me.”
Fellow FBI agent Dan Sheldon said many in the office “hadn’t been home in three nights now, but sometimes you have to answer the call of duty.”
“It’s days like this that make me glad to serve my country.”
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