LONDON – London Metropolitan Police have been given a major boost ahead of the 2012 Olympics after reports confirmed groups with possible links to al-Qaeda have failed to get any ‘decent’ tickets for the most popular events.
The terrorist organisation were understood to be plotting large scale terror attacks at popular events during the London games, but it has since emerged that due to extremely high demand and “a confusing allocation process,” the group have been unsuccessful in their attempts to secure any of the most sought after tickets.
Olympic organisers however defended the policy and encouraged al-Qaeda to try again in the coming months.
Blessing in disguise
With less than one year to the opening ceremony, new number one Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted the ballot system that has “greatly reduced the chances of being admitted to the events we intended to blow up.”
“This has been a complete shambles,” he said in a record message following multiple personal attempts to apply for swimming, gymnastics and sprint competitions. “How can we cause death and destruction to infidels if the allocation process is this screwed up?!”
Security analysts suspect out of 12 different events applied for, the group received only a single ticket for Men’s volleyball, which according to al-Zawahiri “was not worth wasting a suicide vest on.”
He later clarified: “Terrorism isn’t as fun when there’s only five people watching.”
John Staples of MI5 was confident the failure to get tickets for any of the major events “represented a big blow to Islamic terrorism.”
“They [al-Qaeda] wanted to make their mark at the games but thanks to the complex and opaque nature of ticket allocation mandated by organisers they have been left with broken dreams like the rest of us.”
Alternative plans
Known al-Qaeda operative Khalid al-Habib said organisers needed to “seriously restructure these tickets are allocated before our brothers will consider re-applying.”
Privately, high-ranking al-Qaeda officials have blamed a modest strategy of only asking for tickets they wanted.
“In retrospect maybe we were too cautious,” admitted Habib who suggest they would simply over-subscribe for the main events and sell any extra tickets to other terrorist groups.
He also confessed that al-Qaeda followers were now limited to blowing themselves up at home while watching the games on television, “but that’s never the same as being there in person.”
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