CORUSCANT – Darth Vader, Supreme Commander of the Imperial war machine, has urged the Galactic Empire to block a proposed hostile takeover of the Death Star by Rupert Murdoch.
After abandoning plans to take full ownership of BSkyB, News Corporation has turned its attention to acquiring the intergalactic space weapon.
The move has ignited fears the floating, moon-sized superweapon could become ‘really dangerous’ under the control of the Australian tycoon.
Murdoch is reportedly seeking to add an additional instrument of untold terror and destruction as he looks to take some of the pressure away from Fox News.
‘Noooooooooooo!’
News of the bid prompted a public outcry from the Dark Lord Darth Vader who is concerned that a takeover would represent “a consolidation of evil that…I am uncomfortable with.”
With the fallout from the recent phone hacking scandal on Earth ongoing, the culture of corruption at News Corp made the Dark Lord feel ‘uneasy’ and raised serious doubts over whether Murdoch can be considered a “fit and proper” owner of the Death Star.
Seeking to provide assurances to the Empire , News Corp issued the following:
“News Corporation continues to believe that, taking into account the only relevant legal test, its proposed acquisition of the Death Star will not lead to there being insufficient plurality in evil undertakings within the Galaxy.”
“Talk of a complete monopoly on evil is misplaced as there remain a number of independent evil doers in the marketplace, and Satan is still out there somewhere.”
This statement came in response to news that privately, the Galactic Empire – founded on tyranny, hatred, brutal force and fear – may also harbour deep concerns that a Murdoch controlled Death Star.
‘Too much dark side’
Although initially stating it is “minded to accept” News Corp’s assurances, a committee led by Emperor Palpatine confirmed they would consult with the dark side before coming to a final decision.
The Dark Lord was unsure if the committee were up to the task of defeating Murdoch, fearing that “the force may be…too strong with this one.”
He did however, remain hopeful the right decision would be made, calling on the Empire to “Do the…humane thing” and block the Murdoch Empire.
“I enjoy the evil as much as the next Jedi turned dark lord…but something about this…doesn’t feel right.”
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