LONDON – Arsenal football club have made available new three-quarter season tickets as a more cost effective way to watch the team’s season implode.
The measure follows the release of the 2011/2012 Barclays Premier League fixture list in which club officials expect the team to reach the three quarter point before capitulating in the limpest way possible.
A club press release confirmed fans would only have to pay three quarters of the full season ticket price much in the same way the team only play three quarters of a full season.
‘We’re like a wet biscuit’
The fixtures release allows fans to plan for the day their team will cave in and relinquish any hint of initiative to rival teams around them.
“This is such great value for money,” explained Chairman Peter Hill-Wood who has co-ordinated with the coaching staff to identify crucial games against Liverpool and Tottenham “as the period in which our season will grind to a screeching halt.”
“We only play up to March, so why should fans have to pay for more?”
Manager Arsene Wenger said it was a smart move on behalf of the board and is already preparing his team to fold like paper in the coming season.
“We had a practise match only two days ago. We were winning five to nothing against a local pub team, then Robin Van Persie got injured before the rest of the players slowly fell away at around the 65 minute mark and we let in six goals – two of which were scored by our own players.”
“This is the kind of preparation that will ensure fans get their money’s worth.”
Fans have reacted positively to the scheme having already marked the date in which they will be written off as genuine title contenders.
Pre-season excitement
Die hard fan Adam Curry has been a ticket holder “ever since we last won anything worthwhile. Nowadays I usually stop going at around February as that’s usually when we’ve shot ourselves in the foot.”
“For them to offer a deal that matched the teams likeness to last an entire season is just common sense.”
It’s understood the remaining games would be played out inside an empty stadium. A scenario that was backed by the players as it meant they could let their season slip away with the humiliation of a live crowd, according to forward Theo Wallcott.
“Now we won’t have to face all the booing,” he added.
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