AFGHANISTAN – After weeks of speculation, a number of sources are confirming the appointment of the KFC Double Down as the new leader of al-Qaeda.
A surprise candidate since coming onto the terrorism scene in 2010, the Double Down – a sandwich where the chicken is the bread – already boasts an impressive record of contributing to heart failure and ends the search for a soulless leader with no qualms about taking American life to succeed Osama Bin Laden.
Other considerations for the position included long time second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri, a gallon tub of bacon grease with a straw, and Ashton Kutcher – who instead decided to attack Americans by continuing on from Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.
New kid on the block
Though many agreed it lacked the charisma or tactical awareness of its predecessor, it’s prowess in the global Jihad to prematurely end American life was unquestioned and even received the nod despite containing ‘worrying’ amounts of bacon.
Department of Homeland Security spokesman Matt Chandler warned: “Bin Laden may be dead but al-Qaeda hasn’t changed: they want to kill us, and this appointment shows they are deadly serious about that goal.”
At 450 calories, the Double Down is something to fear, according to terrorist researcher Matt Davis who observed what he called a shrewd move by the terrorist group.
“It’s no mistake that such an obviously unhealthy sandwich got the job. This thing is a killer and is capable of taking life en mass. Plain and simple.”
He went on to acknowledge that “the Double Down has already infiltrated the American diet,” and is so able to strike at heart of the America, as well as the arteries of America and general area of the gut of America for “maximum long-term damage.”
‘They’re serious like a heart attack’
US agencies are on high alert in anticipation of an attack from Bin Laden’s successor. It’s thought al-Qaeda will attempt to avenge the killing of their former leader by executing a ‘mega-attack’ – likely in the form of a 2 for 1 deal with a free large soda.
In anticipation, authorities have intensified security at various key installations: the route to and from their nearest participating restaurants.
Strangely, the sandwich itself has yet to comment since being appointed al-Qaeda leader, but one extremist whose name this network could not spell said: “It does not have to say anything. It can just let the unsaturated fat and high salt content do the talking.”
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