MOGADISHU – A gang of Somali pirates have officially unveiled a new line of unsuspecting hostages which they believed would totally ‘revolutionise’ the way governments bartered for human life.
At an invite-only press conference, pirate leader Ali al-Ibrahim claimed the held foreign nationals were ‘lighter, thinner and even more haggard and distressed looking’ than the captives released just last year. The audience also learned that they would be available for release “only when we get the ransom money.”
Packaged in the original clothing they were kidnapping in, the hostages are available in white only.
Refresh the product line
On the back of the announcement, the pirates are expected to begin cutting their asking prices for old hostages by an estimated 20 percent, bringing the cost of last year’s captives into a price range that would surely attract buyers previously put off by the high asking price of repatriating hapless individuals taken against their will.
Analysts all commended the price drop which provides ‘super value’ for those in the market for human life as “foreign nations are usually on the fence over buying hostages due to the high price for what they consider a non-essential purchase,” said senior pirate analyst Chris Matthews.
“But at this price, you’ll be handing over a million bucks to buy two of them.”
The announcement has not been without criticism however, as a section of disgruntled governments including Britain, who purchased Mr and Mrs Chandlers last year for £500,000 didn’t appreciate being pressured to invest in newer hostages that looked “pretty much the same as the ones we just bought back.”
Act now while stocks live
Despite criticism of their business model, Somali pirates are expected to sell a bucket load of hostages back to the same nations they were taken from for a ‘very healthy’ markup – thought to be somewhere around 2000%.
Matthews said it was a testament to their ingenuity that they have been able to create a multi-million dollar market from a product category few thought they would be buying from prior to the total collapse of the Somali economy.
To this he credited the ‘genius’ marketing strategy, which made heavy use of footage showcasing the actual hostage in their working state: distressed and under nourished.
“With advertising like that, who wouldn’t want to buy a hostage back.”
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