ENGLAND – Unconfirmed rumors have suggested leading Labour members are set to replace Ed Miliband with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband in a move to inject much needed dynamism into the party.
Multiple anonymous sources from within the party say the decision is a ‘done deal’ and would be announced as soon as the life size cutout of the opposition leader is printed and delivered to Labour’s headquarters – 7 to 10 working days according to factory estimates.
The six week old piece of corrugated cardboard – from a factory in Middlesbrough – will feature a full colour print and unlike the current leader, will come with an all-weather coating to prevent water damage.
Cardboard Ed
After numerous questions over Ed Milibands ability to inspire voters, Labour members are said to want a leader ‘with at least two dimensions’. There is a firm agreement that the inanimate piece of cardboard will do a better job as a leader than it’s flesh-and-blood counterpart.
One MP – who wish to remain anonymous – said: “We’re not blind to the facts. We desperately need someone exciting, someone with fresh impetus, and this piece of cardboard could be just the shot in the arm Labour needs right now.”
Publicly, Mr Miliband has dismissed any speculation he could be replaced by a life-sized replica, but is privately said to be ‘sweating buckets’ over the prospect of a more colourful, capable and foldable replacement.
Concerns the cutout would be unable to articulate any workable solutions for bringing the country back to growth, but MP’s have already suggested “the ideas for governing the country be printed on the back side of the cutout so they would be easily seen as right now, we don’t know were the hell Ed keeps them.”
‘A new, more dynamic leader’
With a new strategy seemingly in place, Labour members are understandably confident of claiming back power with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband at the helm.
This is due to the included ‘proper sturdy’ stand attachment which they believe will provide their new leader with more backbone than Nick Clegg, in addition to the advances in digital printing technology which will allow the printed image to convey empathy for working class Britain more convincingly than David Cameron.
“I was sceptical about the whole idea at first, but then I was shown the mock-up of the cutout and I must say…it looks mightily impressive and only cost us 25 quid.”
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