UNITED KINGDOM – British Chancellor George Osborne has stunned financial experts as he delivered the 2011 budget by pulling an estimated £100 billion in unmarked bills from his famed Budget Box.
Casting his second budget since becoming chancellor, he said the government would move from a model of “rescue to reform,” and from “reform to making it rain.”
The Chancellor told the House of Commons that he was carrying enough money to sustain Charlie Sheen’s coke habit for another year as he vowed to put ‘straight cash money’ in the pockets of British economy.
In the sort of flourish that could be attributed to an attention starved billionaire, Mr Osborne capped off his speech by throwing handfuls of cash in the air while screaming “money, money, money, moooney!”
The ‘mad money’ budget
He outlined his policy which involved him handing out wads of cash from 11 Downing Street to anyone that wanted it for the next 24 hours, ‘with no strings attached’.
Economists were unsure what to make of the change in fiscal policy which seemed to defy conventional logic, after predicting economic growth in 2011 to be downgraded – this would surely have to be revised after the first in history to be delivered in cold hard cash.
In a boost to first-time home buyers, the chancellor explained to the assembled press how he would put a 100% down payment on any house they wanted as long as they called ‘their uncle George ahead of time’.
Instant growth
He then made a mockery of claims the Conservatives would continue cutting public spending by buying every member of the public a trip to Disneyland.
Although he was commended for his ability to squeeze such a large amount of notes into such a small space, critics have noted George Osbourne’s failure explain where exactly the money had come from.
Mr Osborne chose instead to stuff a roll of £50 notes down the shirt of Labour leader Ed Miliband, suggesting he ‘go get something nice for the missus.’
Continuing to deflect direct questions, he appeared keen to stress that what’s done is done.
“I’ve solved the problem and that’s all you need to know.” he maintained, later adding: “fuggedaboutit.”
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