ENGLAND – In a blow to students of life, a leaked report has revealed the School of Hard Knocks has ‘all but agreed’ to charge the maximum level of tuition fees possible.
Hard Knocks- whose motto reads: “scilicet a scratch ingredior is off” (“It Is Just A Scratch Walk It Off”) – is regarded as the leading institution for life’s negatives experience. The propsed fees represent a multiple fold increase on the previous admission cost of simply being constantly down on your luck.
A spokesman said that they would need to charge maximum fees to “maintain the excellent standard of crappy life situations we provide to students.” Later adding “That’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.”
“Dems the breaks kids”
If approved, the plans will see a fee of £9,000 for the single subject on offer: A hard knock life. The document states: “The level of tuition fee should be the most we can hit these chumps with, i.e. £9,000 per annum, and if you can stick ‘em for more then do it. Remember what it is our esteemed center provides: Hard knocks.”
Former student Ben Watson graduated from the school after picking up an ‘undetermined venereal disease’ and still believed the learning experience would be invaluable even with increased fees. “I know I’ll be a lot more careful around hookers now, so yeah I’d say it’s worth every penny.”
Should higher fees be pushed through however, Simon Hughes – the government’s adviser on access to higher education – says universities will face much higher expectation from students.
He argued that it would no longer be enough for example, to simply fall under the weather for a extended period. “The School of Hard Knocks will have to go above and beyond to demonstrate value for money…maybe have student injected with AIDS by a crazy homeless person? That would be a particularly harsh experience.”
It’s a hard knock life
The institute defended it’s decision by highlighting it’s reputation for providing an unparalleled education in the harsh realities of life, saying: “Where else can you lose your job on the same day your mortgage payment is due only to doscover your wife has been cheating on you with your best friend?”
Rather than seeing the fee as a setback, Hard Knocks Admissions Director said that paying through the nose to get that kind of education should be seen as another example of the ‘peerless educational experience that only this institution can provide’.
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