CALIFORNIA – McDonald’s have been forced to recall as many as nine million Big Macs, Double Cheeseburgers and Big Tastys after fears that they could contain as much as 100% real beef.
The recall, to be officially announced by the US Food And Drug Administration imminently, was set in motion hours after a customer remarked that her burger tasted like ‘real food’ and soon after alerted the FDA. Specimen testing on a Quarter Pounder (with cheese) confirmed the presence of authentic beef inside the space between buns where reheated imitation beef should have been.
Authentic beef is a potent source of minerals and protein which, when consumed in sufficiently high doses could contribute to a healthy and balanced diet.
Unsafe for consumption
Word of the contamination has spread quickly throughout media outlets and social networking sites alike, with the nation making plain it’s outrage that a company with a decorated history of nutritional negligence could find itself in such a comprising position.
“Don’t they have checks for these things???” commented one Twitter user. “I mean…real beef, C’MON #mickyD?! Heads should roll for this! #epicfail”
Many customers have now said they would reconsider visiting the restaurant in the near future. Speaking to local news, one fan was quick to express their disgust, saying: “I’m just stunned. This is just not what I come to McDonald’s for. If I wanted nutrition, I would have joined Weight Watchers.”
The recall is projected to cost the fast food chain as much as $25 million, enough to pay hourly wages of roughly 3 million illegal immigrants, but a necessary step to protect the poor nutritional value of it’s food offerings, say executives.
Proud tradition of serving non-food
A McDonald’s spokesman, Mike Reid, said in an interview: “We’ve had a good, constructive two-way dialogue with the FDA’s office and the clinically obese. We’re on top of it.”
“We’re confident we’ve isolated the source of the real beef contamination and with increased safeguards it will not be a problem going forward.”
Seeking to remind the nation of it’s commitment to a menu capable of bringing Jamie Oliver to tears, creating food items that contain ‘little to no actual food’. A press statement highlighted the the recent availability of the McRib – a re-constituted, pseudo rib patty – calling it the “most unnatural thing you’ll eat that isn’t bacon and cheese wrapped in two pieces of fried chicken.”
“And our chicken nugget are full of crap too. Let’s not forget that.”
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