ENGLAND – HMV executives believe they are ‘very close’ to determining the reason for the company’s recent poor performance with insiders revealing that it may have something to do with “this thing called the internet”.
The past 13 months have seen HMV’s share price fall 75% and plans to close 60 locations in the next two years, leaving executives scrambling to determine the cause of such alarming figures.
The company had previously blamed the drop in sales on a lack of quality releases, singling out Lil’ Wayne’s latest failed attempt at coherent speech and anything with Miley Cyrus printed on the cover, but neither could explain the steady and prolonged decline seen by the retailer.
Eureka
“We think we’re very close to the answer,” commented CEO Simon Fox. “We’ve been hearing a lot of buzz lately about something called ‘the internet’, so we’ve put our best people on it.”
Looking to reassure shareholders, Fox said he was now aware of technology and admitted that there could be a link between “the internet” and the reason why no one comes to their stores anymore.
The discovery could be the break the nation’s most famous chain have been praying for in a desperate bid to arrest the alarming slide of sales, which fell 10.2% over the Christmas period.
Mr Fox was confident that now the company was aware of the existence of “the internet”, they would study it and figure out what it is capable of, and even see if it could be utilised to aid business operations.
‘The internet could be big’
“We’ve got our smartest people looking into this ‘the internet’, trying to understand what it means for us,” confirmed Mr Fox who has given the green light to a further 12-month investigation into its capabilities.
He continued by saying: “We think we’re on to something here. The early signs suggest this could be big…bigger than the White Album even. Imagine a store on “the internet” where you can buy without actually having to come to leave your home.”
Although he did feel the concept of selling anything online may be “a little out there”, he confessed that the once proud provider of physical records and CDs would need to do something drastic to stay relevantfive years ago and beyond.
“I don’t think anyone else is thinking in this way, so if we crack this thing we could be back in business sooner rather than later.”
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