WALL STREET – In what looks to become a hostile legal battle, banking giant Goldman Sachs have announced that they are to cancel their contract with God with immediate effect, blaming ‘restrictive employment conditions’.
Anonymous sources noted that the company had received an improved, less restrictive offer from an as yet unnamed third party, understood to be headquartered ‘way way down under’.
The company share price rose 2.5% on the news, a sure sign that investors felt removing any link to morality from daily operations would be positive for the long term success of the company.
‘We’re done with God’s work’
The investment bank shocked the world in 2010 when CEO Lloyd Blankfein revealed his company was under contract with the almighty one, although reports at the time suggested God had no recollection of contracting the firm to bring the global economy to it’s knees, instigating one of the largest transfers of wealth possible without buying a lottery ticket.
Waving the Bible in the air, Mr Blankfein cited a number of the disputed terms of employment he felt contributed to unfair working conditions, including Acts 20:35 ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’ and 2 Corinthians 9:7 ‘God loves a cheerful giver’.
“There’s no way we would have agreed to these terms if they ha been made clear to us… ‘He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord?’ How can we do business with these restrictions?”
Officially Godless
God admitted the news Goldman Sachs were under his employment was as big a revelation as finding out Judas had gone rogue, though he did mention He’s had a lot on his mind over the past millenia and could have simply forgot.
It’s now expected that He would consult His legal team – comprising of Micheal Jackson’s attorney, the ghost of Jonnie Cochran and the D.A. from Law and Order – to determine the most appropriate means of recourse after Goldman had shown such ‘chutzpah’ to disrespect Him so publicly.
Johnny Cochran told a judge: “We’re looking at damages of at least $500 million, payable by the bank ‘in this life or the next’.
“We got a better offer from another guy anyway, we don’t need God anymore and He needs to accept that before things get ugly.”
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