WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama today stated that the biggest threat to international security is the possibility of the Boogieman obtaining nuclear weapons. Speaking from underneath his Oval Office bed covers, he warned world leaders to remain vigilant as “the risk of a nuclear attack from the Boogieman has gone up significantly in recent nights.”
His words have echoed the views of many western leaders who all swear they have heard an increase in ‘spooky noises’ and noticed ‘more scary shadows than usual’.
The Boogieman continues to put fear into non-proliferation supporters and children aged 5 alike. Often changing names and appearances, as well as failing to respond to several request for weapons inspection from the UN.
Boo
Ahead of nuclear talks later this month, Barack Obama reiterated the threat posed by the mythical monster. “We’ve never seen him…so we can only assume he’s dangerous and attempting to acquire a nuclear or biological weapon of some kind. Either that or he’s a paedophile”.
Leaders from the six members of the Security Council have supported the talks and confirmed they have all started sleeping with night lights ‘just in case’.
Friction in the talks appears like however, Western countries, including the United States, believe Iran may be secretly providing safe harbour for the Boogieman or assisting him in other ways. Iran insisted any mention of the Boogieman from within it’s borders is for getting children to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. Iranian officials denied such allegations as ‘fantasy’ and continue to play down the threat from the dark corners of the bedroom.
“The notion that we would be providing aid to the Boogieman is ridiculous,” stated Iranian spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast. “Yes we speak of such things, but only to scare the children. There’s no need to fear the Boogieman.”
‘Check under the bed’
Iranian officials have even gone as far as to invite the EU to check for signs of the Boogieman as a show of faith which has already been declined, ‘but not because we are scared or anything like that’.
It’s no coincidence the direct and stark warning comes on the back of increased Boogieman sightings across America. “He definitely wants to get his Boogie-hands on weapons of mass destruction,” former CIA investigator Rolf Mowatt-Larssen told ML News. A sentiment seemingly shared by the administration, who confirmed they’re prepared to enter the bedroom of every child at night to track down the Boogieman.
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